Research consistently shows that women leaders are more likely to experience high levels of emotional labour, invisible workload and role overload than their male counterparts.1
It’s well documented that the level of guilt many high-achieving women feel often increases when they have children. A switch seems to click when you’re responsible for other human beings as well as yourself.
If you’re a working woman with children reading this, you’ll probably recognise the saying: “We’re expected to work like we don’t have children and parent like we don’t have a job.”
Yet what about women who don’t have children?
They experience the same socialisation from birth – the tacit rules and expectations about how girls should behave, ie. being pro-social and other oriented. Women and men both reinforce this, having been programmed with accepted cultural ‘norms’ and biases themselves, most of which they carry unconsciously. Plus, children also self-stereotype in order to belong.
The idea that women should naturally carry most of the emotional and caring load isn’t as ‘natural’ as people think. At birth, differences between girls and boys are small and there’s overlap. Norms, behaviours and beliefs are learned.
And despite changes in society and increasing numbers of women in leadership, they continue to carry the bulk of unrecognised emotional and mental labour at work and at home.
It’s real, you’re not imagining it. Yet it gets bloody hard trying to navigate delivering results with being strong yet not threatening, warm yet not weak and the empathetic and supportive one. Over time, fatigue and resentment builds as you become disconnected from your own self in the meeting of everyone else’s needs.
The impact of doing it all
I’ve seen it in countless women leaders and business owners, whether they have children or not. And they keep going because they believe they must.
When you’re the one people rely on, it’s easy to lose sight of how much you’re carrying because it becomes your normal – part of your identity. Besides if you don’t do all the things, who will?
So, you wake up already feeling tired, stressed or behind and drag yourself through the day on copious cups of coffee.
You’re constantly on the go, being busy and feel guilty for doing nothing.
At times you struggle to concentrate, think clearly or make decisions. You wonder if it’s menopause or if you’re losing your memory. You question your competence despite years of evidence that you’re good at what you do.
You find it difficult to switch off from work, responsibilities or other people’s needs and feel responsible for solving problems that really belong to someone else.
You feel disconnected from purpose, enthusiasm and fulfilment.
You’re just going through the motions, feeling lost. Which means you’ve lost connection with your values.
What have your values got to do with this?
Your values are your internal compass – your guide. They generate your motivation, energy and direction. When your days are filled with obligations, responsibilities and endless ‘shoulds’, it’s easy to drift away from your values and lose your internal drive. You lose sight of yourself.
Many women reach a point in their lives where they realise they’ve spent years living according to everyone else’s priorities and have no idea what to do differently because their behaviours are so deeply engrained. After all,
You don’t wake up each morning deciding to overthink and worry
Or to people please and put everyone else first.
Or feel responsible for fixing everyone else’s problems, while being careful to avoid conflict.
These are simply patterns run on repeat for decades until they feel like your personality.
Which is why simply telling yourself to ‘set better boundaries’, ‘be more confident’ or ‘stop overthinking’ rarely works. You’re trying to change an unconscious pattern with willpower, which is conscious and with the daily demands of life, wears out.
It’s just who I am.
Many women believe anxiety, overthinking, people pleasing or a lack of confidence are simply part of who they are. It’s not. For most, they’re thinking and behaviour patterns the nervous system learned a long time ago.
The good thing is the brain has neuroplasticity, which means it’s malleable and can learn and change its wiring. This is where Neuro Linguistic Programming offers something genuinely different.
Rather than teach you to ‘cope’ and ‘manage’ better, it has you understand how your mind creates your experience of life. It dismantles the patterns of behaviour that get in the way and hold you up, replacing them with useful, empowering ones that get you moving in the direction you want.
The goal is to create a life that connects and aligns with you are at your core. To do that you must be clear on your values.
Why values matter
Values matter because they reveal what’s important to you. They’re your drivers, providing meaning and motivation for your life. No value, no motivation, it’s that simple!
If you spend too long living in conflict with your values, you can end up in burnout.
When you get clear on your values, decisions are easier, so are boundaries and saying NO to things.
You stop trying to meet everyone else’s expectations and start building a life that genuinely fits who you are.
Alongside values work, NLP helps identify and release the limiting beliefs and unconscious patterns that keep pulling you away from what you really want.
That’s where lasting change begins.
If you’ve recognised yourself here at all…
Join me on a free masterclass – Why Success Shouldn’t Cost Your Health, to gain greater understanding of how your nervous system is creating your experience along with practical tools to make positive changes.
What you’ll learn
- How burnout is a gradual slide, not a cliff edge, which is why capable women rarely see it coming.
- Three traps keeping you stuck – responsibility, standards and recovery.
- How your nervous system influences your leadership
- Real recovery
- A simple energy audit that shows what’s filling and draining, your resilience reservoir.
You’ll leave with:
- A clear understanding of what your current stress levels are really telling you.
- Insight into the unconscious patterns that may be keeping you stuck.
- The difference between operating from Cause and operating from Effect.
- The unconscious patterns you’ve been running on autopilot and how to choose differently to perform sustainably.
- Practical techniques you can use immediately.
- Greater clarity, calm and confidence about your next steps.
And if you’re at the point of exhaustion and feeling like a failure, it’s a sign you’ve spent too long succeeding at the wrong things. The good news is it can all be changed, so sign up to find out how here.
PS. You can take a check in quiz first to find out How Much Are You Really Carrying?
References 1. https://sloanreview.mit.edu/article/the-empathy-tax-female-leaders-pay/
https://www.flipsnack.com/78C9ACFF8D6/women-in-the-workplace-2025
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